Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
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Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Eat…
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.