If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
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John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.