Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
You Might Also Like
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o