Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
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So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Not even remotely sorry.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good