Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
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Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job