CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
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My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!