“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
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sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
I think my mom just blocked me
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place