Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
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Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
hmmm
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.