My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
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Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula