you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
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Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog