Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
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My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.