[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
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Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.