“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
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[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
no regrets
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.