12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
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A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
He just like my cat fr
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
I needed a laugh this morning.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer