You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
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Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
The game has officially changed 😎
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.