Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
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I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco