I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
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ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
#MeanwhileInCanada
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?