her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
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I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
😂💯
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.