Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
You Might Also Like
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.