When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
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Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.