My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
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me the second it drops below 70 degrees
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
Seek kebab; not attention
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please