#Caturday
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me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
When you don’t understand how floors work
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam