PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
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Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.