heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
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A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate