Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
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People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
synchronized noseblowing
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago