Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
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My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
All generalizations are stupid.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest