Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
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*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Just so funny
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?