DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
You Might Also Like
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.