Netflix My bladder
🤝
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Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
The Birdles
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go