Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
You Might Also Like
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
Was it something I said?
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them