A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
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My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Human are so complicated
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)