Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
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You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
If you’re testing me, we failed.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
Practicing safe sax
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
They grow up so quick
I used to be married, but I’m better now
BaD BoY!!
oh you like road-trips? name every road then