Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
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I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
Lmfaoooooo
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
normalize having existential bread
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
welp
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.