Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
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Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Me irl
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.