Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
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If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
They grow up so quick
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.