If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
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OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Isn’t
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
I can’t be the only one 😂
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.