My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
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the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
This 4th of July, please remember…
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.