When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
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*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
SF is the wild wild west man
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
I need to know the brand of toothbrush my neighbor has. I hear it buzzing sometimes an hour at a time and she’s clearly enjoying it
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.