I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
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Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.