Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
You Might Also Like
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.