You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
You Might Also Like
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.