Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
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Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation