I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
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Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around