You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
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there’s probably a fee though
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.