Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
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Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
satan: not today, microsoft teams
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.