Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
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China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
#Caturday
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
couldn’t resist
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news