Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
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First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
Real House Wines.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE