That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
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“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.