15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
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JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer