Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
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ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
Weirdly Wednesday.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.